Colonization begins
by M. Stewart
I woke early this morning, poured some coffee, and sat down at the computer to read the news. The first thing that caught my eye was an Associated Press headline: "Police Look for Witnesses of Face-Chewing Attack,"
I assumed it was just another one of those pit bull stories in which the dog owner insists that he can't understand what happened. "This is impossible! Satan normally is a loving, docile pet." Hoping the victim wasn't a child, I clicked to see if the incident might have occurred nearby. It hadn't.
I read the lede three times before continuing. All I could think about was how much I 'd like to be in a position to have written it.
The nameless, faceless victim is in critical condition. Of course we hope he survives for humanitarian reasons, but what's more important (at least for us) is that he survives to tell the tale. How does a person end up naked on a Miami highway ramp getting his face devoured by another naked man?
Can't wait for the follow-up.
Here in the Upper Ohio Valley, the Memorial Day weekend inspired a different kind of x-file. We learn from our online papers that the county is "looking for homes to demolish." Communities will be vying for part of a $576,000 grant awarded by the state to pay for demolition of derelict homes. I may be a little biased, but I think they should give it all to East Liverpool, even if it's just to get rid of all the burned out houses whose numbers keep growing.
Speaking of fires, the fire department should consider playing a much more important role in pruning our town's housing stock. Whatever happened to the idea of the "controlled burn"? Why can't firefighters practice on derelict homes by burning them to the ground? The city could market the effort as "The Phoenix Project: Phase One."
Here's another idea:
Instead of reality shows going around building houses for poor and victimized people, why can't they get involved in demolishing houses? You're not going to get that all-important tearful final scene when they finally drive the mother of nine kids up to view the finished product, but the other houses in the neighborhood will instantly rise in value, which means better living and more revenue. Let the final scene be interviews with homeowner neighbors blubbering and hugging one another.
Demolition of dilapidated structures also means that the city is less attractive to slumlords, and maybe, just maybe, they and their friends at the Columbiana Metropolitan Housing Authority could be run out of town at last!
What did you say? There in the back. Speak up!
"I said there is a better chance of attracting a cult of face-eating aliens to East Liverpool than breaking the grip of the slumlords, drug dealers, and CMHA."
Maybe so, but getting some of this money will help.
I woke early this morning, poured some coffee, and sat down at the computer to read the news. The first thing that caught my eye was an Associated Press headline: "Police Look for Witnesses of Face-Chewing Attack,"I assumed it was just another one of those pit bull stories in which the dog owner insists that he can't understand what happened. "This is impossible! Satan normally is a loving, docile pet." Hoping the victim wasn't a child, I clicked to see if the incident might have occurred nearby. It hadn't.
MIAMI (AP) -- Authorities in Miami are looking for more witnesses after a police officer fatally shot a naked man who refused to stop chewing on the face of another naked man on a busy downtown highway ramp.
I read the lede three times before continuing. All I could think about was how much I 'd like to be in a position to have written it.
The nameless, faceless victim is in critical condition. Of course we hope he survives for humanitarian reasons, but what's more important (at least for us) is that he survives to tell the tale. How does a person end up naked on a Miami highway ramp getting his face devoured by another naked man?
Can't wait for the follow-up.
Here in the Upper Ohio Valley, the Memorial Day weekend inspired a different kind of x-file. We learn from our online papers that the county is "looking for homes to demolish." Communities will be vying for part of a $576,000 grant awarded by the state to pay for demolition of derelict homes. I may be a little biased, but I think they should give it all to East Liverpool, even if it's just to get rid of all the burned out houses whose numbers keep growing.
Speaking of fires, the fire department should consider playing a much more important role in pruning our town's housing stock. Whatever happened to the idea of the "controlled burn"? Why can't firefighters practice on derelict homes by burning them to the ground? The city could market the effort as "The Phoenix Project: Phase One."
Here's another idea:
Instead of reality shows going around building houses for poor and victimized people, why can't they get involved in demolishing houses? You're not going to get that all-important tearful final scene when they finally drive the mother of nine kids up to view the finished product, but the other houses in the neighborhood will instantly rise in value, which means better living and more revenue. Let the final scene be interviews with homeowner neighbors blubbering and hugging one another.
Demolition of dilapidated structures also means that the city is less attractive to slumlords, and maybe, just maybe, they and their friends at the Columbiana Metropolitan Housing Authority could be run out of town at last!
What did you say? There in the back. Speak up!
"I said there is a better chance of attracting a cult of face-eating aliens to East Liverpool than breaking the grip of the slumlords, drug dealers, and CMHA."
Maybe so, but getting some of this money will help.
posted by M. | 8:45 AM
3 Comments:
Please, please, please get some grant money and tear down some eye sores. *Biased occupant of ELP TWP knows that as the city goes, so goes the rest of it*
Unfortunately, the EPA folks have made it nearly impossible to "controlled burn" down a dilapitaded out. But I agree, I could come up with 50 or 100 we could start with.
I know that the EPA requires inpections of controlled burn structures. They must be free of garbage and probably asbestos and lead-based paint. I would bet there are additional, egregious standards these days for a practice house to be cleared for the excercize. Those houses could be used for practice after someone cleans them up. Their dilapidation is a testament to the lack of elbow-grease in the first place though. Catch-22.
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